My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
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Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
is it earth
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you