Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
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You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company