Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
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Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
Danger is very dangerous
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.