At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
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*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here