HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
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the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
*aggressively waits in line*
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
*me flirting
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers