Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
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I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
how it started vs how it ended
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
🙋♀️