As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
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My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.