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It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.