My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
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A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
waiter: want to hear our lunch specials?
me: sure
waiter: we have a caesar salad, clam chowder, or club sandwich
me: those things are on the normal menu
waiter: yes but right now you can get them $18
me: they’re usually $12
waiter: today they’re special
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
just pretend nothing happened
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
Welcome to your 40’s: oh you like surprises? here’s another chin. Surprise!