So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
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Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on