[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
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As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.