me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
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A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
felt that
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s