*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
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By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
Anime is real
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch