Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
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I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”