God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
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Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.