I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
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My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se