Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
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The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that