Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
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Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
😲 WTF? 😆
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.