Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
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[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
Always 🥴
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
Living the best life.. 😊
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
NASA has no chill
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.