Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
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Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
i love modern commerce
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.