My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
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Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
“no gods no masters” = leo
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit