Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
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the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.