[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
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As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.