If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
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I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.