HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
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Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
*swipes right on my hand mirror
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
This is the coolest video you will see today.
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?