learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
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Siri, fight Alexa.
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.