My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
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I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this