My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
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A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.