I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
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The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”