you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
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I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that