All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
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Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot