“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
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I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
Driving in Europe vs Canada
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.