I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
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[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.