Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
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My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.