why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
You Might Also Like
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
shit just got real
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
Great game to play with friends
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?