My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
You Might Also Like
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
Your perfume smells like a funeral parlor. What’s it called? In Loving Memory by Calvin Klein?
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.