I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
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me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please