Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
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Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.