Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
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“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.