Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
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I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
This week’s mood.