If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
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Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.