[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
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“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
The booster protects against what, now?
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
couldn’t resist
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter