Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
You Might Also Like
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
My dad is at it again
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge