Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
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Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry