I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
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I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
oh my god
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you