My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
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What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
I love wikipedia
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.