You Might Also Like
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
That lamp looks PISSED.