“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
You Might Also Like
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
We all have our pet causes.
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything