Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
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If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.