You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
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{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
Who.
Did.
This?
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
buys donuts instead
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again